Christmas for a Chicks Girl

I would just like to say that my husband actually pays attention. Ok.. not all the time but when it really comes down to the nitty gritty (like gift giving) he really pays attention. For readers who don't know (all of you!) my husband is a football fanatic. I don't mean just a fan. This guy and his friends do fantasy leagues, purchase NFL sunday ticket on direct tv, and then watch every game they can at one of the 5 tvs in the designated location, every Sunday. Since he is a SoCal boy, he loves the Chargers and has several items of apparel including: watches (2), hats (6 or 7), jersey's (3), tshirts (5), sweatshirts (1), gloves, leather jacket... the list goes on and on and on. For Christmas, I failed to give him ANYTHING Chargers. Take that! This year, he got me the best presents ever: TWINS PRESENTS!! I now have my 2010 Team Calendar for home so I can stare at all of my favorite starters (CUDDY!) and he got me a Twins Desk Calendar for at work. EPIC!

Ummm ... wow

I don't have much to add today, other than this wonderful little tidbit:

MLB.com: I think Nick would thank you for that one. And last but not least, I'll let you choose one other person to surprise with a gift.

Morneau: I'd pick Joe Nathan and I'd get him some Just for Men Beards dye for the grey that's in his goatee.

Umm ... ouch Justin. Poor Joe was just probably enjoying the holiday with his family and you throw that at him. I happen to like his grey goatee. It makes him look distinguished. He, of course, being one of the few men that I feel can pull off facial hair.

An Open Letter

Dear Bill Smith,

Today I received a Twins calendar as a Secret Santa gift. You can imagine my excitement at the idea of having a Twin to look at in my pod at work all year round. However, I was disappointed to find that Carlos Gomez was Mr. December. Now, I know there is nothing you can do about this. What's done is done. And, if J.J. works out at all, I can tape his picture over Gomez. Not that I'd ever do that, as I still cling to my Carlos Gomez shoes. That's another matter.

What is really my issue is that Joe Crede is Mr. July. Seeing as how he's already on the calendar, don't you think it's a good idea just to keep him around? I think so. It saves so much heartache on my part. You know you can sign him for cheap, and I promise we will love that former Chi Sox third baseman like he was our own. Which he is. If you agree to it, which you should.

We've already lost Gomez and Boof. AND Glen Perkins and Jesse Crain are still here. So don't you think you owe us a little bit? Maybe just a little? It's Christmas after all. Just promise you'll think about it.

Regards,
The Chicks on Second

What the....

Is anyone else a little confused by why the Twins have offered arbitration to Jesse Crain? Maybe if he could actually help us win games this would be a good move. Unfortunately, every time that man walks onto the pitcher's mound, I usually sink with utter dread back into my chair. Especially if we're in the lead, since 9 out of 10 times, this move will lead to a loss. I think my chant for this year when I see him will be "EARN YOUR KEEP!"

Um... I would just like to say that it made me cry when I read that we're letting Boof go. I have your T-shirt Boof, and will still wear it with fondness for the next 20 or so years. I miss him already.

But to go along with all the current news in Twinkie Town, welcome back Pavano. I love how his manager speaks about Carl Pavano in the 3rd person in this article. Something along the lines of how it will be the best fit for Carl Pavano to win another championship. Made my whole freakin day, seriously (it snowed real bad today so I have precious little to live for at this point). It also looks like the plans to bring back Crede have been put on hold until we can see how we perform. I guess nobody in the Twins organization has been reading my blog. Otherwise they would know how badly we would like to stare at him during the inagural season. Hmm...

Other than that, it's all quiet on the Twins front. I guess I have to go back to my fozen wasteland and try to enjoy my Christmas cookies that I made yesterday. Go Twins...

Winter Meeting Thoughts

Carl Pavano = yay! Since he is officially the most successful veteran pitcher we have EVER and I mean EVER brought on board, I'm excited to see that he accepted arbitration. Welcome back Carl!

Glen Perkins = Go away. Seriously. Why haven't you gone away yet? Is it because nobody wants you? And now we're stuck with you. Oh, and while we're at it, why is it that your blog, Glen Perkins, is still on the Twins website in plain sight and Kevin Slowey's isn't? Even if you hadn't been a whiny baby about your "injured" (read: sucky) arm, I'd still be angry with you.

Not offering arbitration to Mike Redmond and Joe Crede = Sad day. It makes perfect sense, but it hurts my soul a little. Just saying.

I'm not really sure what the Joe Mauer talks mean at this point. I'm going to assume it'll all happen in good time. Because I'm positive the Twins staff would like to prevent the riot of girls that would take Target Field if they weren't able to negotiate a deal. Carnage. Absolute Carnage.

Hot or Not?

In case you missed anything new in Twinkie Town the last few weeks, here's a recap: Joe Mauer=AL MVP and no, he hasn't set a deadline for the Twins to make an offer. Mkay? So stop txting him about all these false reports and that "source" that is "close to Mauer." Are we good on that front? Mkay then. (On a serious note: Congrats to Joe. You deserved it Buddy!)





We, as an organization, have more pressing issues. Like the hole on 3rd. Or the lack of consistency in our starting rotation. YIKES. Problems. I love how most of the Twins writers and reporters are still saying that we have lots of viable options to fill the position at 3rd. Reality check Losers: we have 1 possibility that MIGHT be able to fill the hole: Nick Punto. Don't get me wrong, I am a girl who LOVES her some lil' Nicky Punto. All of those crazy diving catches and one handed throws are enough to get me hot. But when he comes up to bat, ugh, kill me. It makes me weep... so... hard. I don't know if it's his age or what but, I think we can all safely admit, Nicky's got some problems at the plate. Others are talking about bringing back Joe Crede. My co-blogger, Cassy is wholeheartedly in favor of bringing back her boy. Now, I must say, yes he's good looking, and really, can you get enough when he looks like this:

I prefer the Blues and not the pinstripes, but, this'll do. My concern, as a devoted fan, is to the quality of play we can get. Now don't get me wrong, if he comes as dirt cheap as he did last year, then heck, we'll take him for another year, on the condition that he sucks it up and stops whining about how injured he is. If he comes at a more expensive price, then let's cut our losses and find someone a bit healthier to add to the roster. Someone a bit more productive and with less facial hair. Yeah. That would be nice :)

In other exciting Twins news (and especially exciting for me) Pat Neshek is ready for Spring Training to roll around. Halleluja, the sidearm slinger has come. Twins Fans REJOICE!

MVP, MVP!

Congratulations Joe Mauer on winning the MVP award. Beating the Yankees at something has given us all something to smile about. And congrats to Jason Kubel and Michael Cuddyer, who managed to get some votes as well. Very well done indeed.

To Crede Or Not To Crede

I have a confession to make. I seriously want the Twins to resign Joe Crede. Does it make any sense? Absolutely not. I know it's both wrong and improbable, but I can't help it. I read today in the Strib that Crede's back is feeling better, and that he's ready to play. That should mean absolutely nothing to me, but it made me hopeful for his return. Although, someone did tell me today that my opinions are both jaded (hard to argue with that) and wrong. Which made me channel my inner child (No, you're wrong!)

But really, Crede would be a steal. We could try it, what's the worst that could happen? We could have Harris and Tolbert take turns letting balls go right by them? See, wait, we already did that! So we have nothing to lose.

I'm not really sure how you can say no to that face.

But, here comes my jaded segment of today's post. Glen Perkins agreed to drop his grievance today. Fantastic. Now I'd like to file one. I would like to recover some of the time and money I spent watching you blow games. Just saying. Wherever you go, just remember, more than likely you made Kevin Slowey sad. For shame.

Totally Jacked for my Boy!!

Dear Twins Organization,

Thank you for picking up my boyfriend, Michael Cuddyer's, option for the next two years. I'm sure you noticed his stellar performance in the last few months, and I'm sure you noticed that he is an AMAZING leader for your team. Not to mention that he beat the M&M boys in homers this year as well (suck it Trebek!). One thing that I'm not sure you have noticed though, is his boyish charm and good looks and the impact they have on the female fans. I'm sorry, but the dimples are DEVASTATING, the spiky brown hair is ADORABLE, and those guns are, well, forgive me, I'm drooling. Yes, all you Twins CEO's and upper management, you have a bon a fide hottie on your hands, but you can't see past the prettiness of Mauer and Morneau. Sure, chick fans love a nice piece to look at, with all the flash and bang behind the bat, but who are they going to take home with them after the game?? That's right, the guy who's pretty AND charming AND CONSISTENT. You found all of that in my boy Mikey. So again, this adoring fan would like to thank you for making my next two years more enjoyable by keeping such a delicious chunk of man candy playing on the field.

Sincerely,
Cuddy-a-holic AKA: Crazy girl from Florida in 2007

Busy Times For Our Boys

The Twins have been busy this offseason. Wow, that sounds weird. So I'll say it again. The Twins have been busy this offseason. Rolls right off of the tongue.

Anyhoo- Now I'm stuck with the task of figuring out what to do with my Go Go Gomez shoes. On one hand, I could throw them out. But, then part of my soul will be gone. And I worked so hard on them.

Please ignore the lovely Winnie The Pooh coffee mug in the background. My mother bought them for me, and I like them.

I find it a little disconcerting that half of the Santana trade is now gone, but thems the breaks I guess. While J.J. Hardy adds some attractiveness to our team, I highly doubt he can add the spastic behavior that Gomez brought to our team. But, I will hold off judging him. Everyone is allowed a bad year, hopefully he got it out of his system in Triple A last year for the Brewers.

In other, fantastic news, we will have Cuddy for at least two more years. It's good news for my girl Kristen, who would cease to function without Cuddy on our team. While watching the news yesterday I saw that someone had purchased a cutout of Cuddy running with some scenic creek in the background. And I hated myself for not going to the sale at the Metrodome. Who doesn't need a lifesize cutout of Cuddy with a scenic creek in the background? Dammit. An opportunity lost.

And it's over

Yuck that the Yankees won. At least now we can all look forward to Spring Training.

Um ... Ok

This really has nothing to do with Twins baseball, but I had to mention it. Derek Jeter was on the Biggest Loser tonight. Yes, I watch it pretty religiously, let it go. That's not relevant at the moment.

What is relevant is that Derek Jeter was on the Biggest Loser in all his cockiness. Oh, for the challenge, pick up 2,500 baseballs. Did I mention that's how many hits I've collected? Oh, and did I mention that my career batting average happens to be .316. Oh, and that I have 2,500 hits? I did say that, oh.

Disgusting, Derek Jeter. It's not enough that you spoiled the dreams of Twins and Angels fans all around the country but now you have the audacity to ruin bad reality TV? That's just un American. You should be ashamed of yourself Derek Jeter.

Battling the Yankee Evil

Once again the Yankees have knocked out a well deserving team, and are headed to the World Series. I know they haven't won a Series in quite some time, but I just don't care. And now, I can't even watch any Kate Hudson movies because of A-Rod.

But fear not, while the baseball world is filled with sorrow, there is hope.

The Kevin Slowey blog is back, and there was much rejoicing.

http://kevinslowey.mlblogs.com/

Rally Cap?

I am in desperate need of a rally cap, and maybe it will distract me from biting my fingernails for three hours while I watch the dots on Gameday at work. No pressure or anything boys.

A Moment of Silence

For our fallen Chi Sox comrades. You had a good race. But now it's over, and we all don't have to worry about a 1 game playoff that just results in hard feelings and tears. We'll take that up again next year, I assure you.

In other baseball news, Ichiro getting thrown out made my day. No, it made my week. It takes a lot of balls to draw a line in the dirt after getting rung up. I salute you Ichiro, well played.

Thanks For Nothing Cleveland

I ask you to do one thing. That's it. And you couldn't do it. Nope. Not even one game. The only reason to be at the bottom of the divisional heap is so that you can be a spoiler. And, by the way, you are supposed to be spoiling the hopes of the team you are ACTUALLY PLAYING! Just saying is all. I suppose it isn't all your fault, half of your team was traded and now you are stuck recruiting people to cover your bases. But, for my sake, next year ... do better. Please. Thank you.

A Few Things ...

Last night I became incredibly aware of the full strength of my powers. As a quick background - three of the Twinkies have a special place in my heart. Kevin Slowey, Justin Morneau and Denard Span. You may have noticed a trend. Yep, that's right, I accept responsibility. I have now personally felled three of the Twins, and I'm not happy about it. It might be just a coincidence, but Crede always made me smile too. Dammit!



On the upside, we beat Chicago tonight, and that's always a plus. I openly admit that I'd be perfectly happy with second place if it meant we got the bragging rights over Chicago. I think my hatred stems mainly from the fact that I was once denied service at Taco Johns because I was wearing a Twins shirt. The Chi Sox kept me from my potato ole's, and for that I want them to suffer for all of eternity. That may sound harsh, but sometimes a girl needs potato ole's and that's all there is to it.



I think I might also be ok with second place because I got an invoice in the mail today for postseason tickets for the amount of $5000. After my head stopped spinning I said a small prayer to the baseball gods that we finish behind the Tigers. Oops. But then I realized I don't actually have to pay for them and I felt a little bit like a traitor. Oops again.



Hopefully my evil power won't take down any other players, but to ensure everyone's safety, I'm going on a strike against every player. Except for Glen Perkins. He can file a grievance if he wants to.

Dear God

Why does everything have to be bigger in Texas? And where are these guys coming from!?!? Cmon Twins, let's at least try to get above .500 for the end of the season!!

Uh Oh...

Cassy needs to shut up when it comes to predicting Minnesota Twins anything. It's just freaky how often she is right. OOooh...

Ok... I have to admit... it's been awhile. Honestly, I can't say that I haven't wanted to blog about the fabulousness of the Twins. Unfortunately they haven't exactly given me much to write about in the fabulous column. Yeah...

First of all, a bit howdy ho to Pavano and Cabrera. Welcome to Minnesota, eh! We hope you enjoy losing. And missing out on a fabulous and exciting October. Though you were unlikely to get it with Cleveland or the A's. We are happy to have you both, as I have been missing Kevin Slowey tremendously.
Secondly, congrats to my boyfriend, Michael Cuddyer (yes, I have his picure on my desk at work. Next to my husband's.. Don't judge me!) on his 2 homers in 1 game against Detroit. Too bad it just wasn't enough!!
I can't believe this horrible suck we are in. It's just rediculous! Snap out of it men, we're 5 games behind!! Dear GOD.. It's almost September. It's time to get some cohones grandes and start doing something. And for God's sake will someone teach Liriano to throw again??

It Starts ...

See, what did I tell you?

Glen Perkins is having an MRI today for that injury that will excuse him from the season.

Watch for Scotty and Nicky next.

Sometimes I scare myself with my psychic powers ....

Coming Out of Hiding

Originally I thought it might be best to stay in my dormant state. Because, as my mother tried desperately to teach me, if you can't say something nice keep your mouth shut.

But I can't. I can't handle this shameful display of baseball and keep my mouth shut. 15 hits and still a loss? Really? Are you kidding? I thought we had sunk as low as we could go when we were swept by the Angels and I was forced to watch the 11 inning debacle. THAT was painful. But no, it actually gets worse. Which made me wonder: how bad can it actually get? Here are some thoughts:

Joe Crede, who has been hampered by EVERY injury known to man, somehow manages to lose an arm. Like, really lose it and no one knows where it is. And then he signs with the Chi Sox.

Joe Mauer's back injury flares up again while packing his bags and heading over to New York. Or Boston. Or Philly, LA, Detroit or Milwaukee. It could happen.

We sign Carl Pavano. Oh wait ...

Scott Baker, Nick Blackburn and Glen Perkins all injure themselves (or claim to since getting through one inning is kind of hard) and Cuddy becomes our ace.

Now, I know I'm being overly negative and that's very anti-Minnesota Nice. But maybe, just maybe, Twins fans don't feel like being nice anymore. Maybe they don't want to watch Jesse Crain give up 8 runs in an inning even if he has recently shaved his goatee and is almost unrecognizable.

Boys, it's time to give Minnesota fans something to cheer about. Because it's almost football season. And that never ends well for us. Don't force us to pin all of our hopes on the Vikings. That's just not fair.

Honestly

I hate the Yankees.

I hate you most of all right now Mariano Rivera. Even if you are one of the few Yankees with some class.

Seriously.

All-Star Awesomeness

I love the fact that Joe Nathan, Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau got into the All-Star game. They all deserve it. As long as Justin doesn't wear himself out again, I'm all for it. Actually, I think watching Joe Mauer take Justin's spot in the derby would be freakin' fantastic. That's just me though.

What am I most excited about though? It's Jason Bartlett. How cool for him to get into the game? It's going to be a nice little reunion out there. With Johan pitching against us however. Lame. Well, at least he's not in pinstripes.

Oh, and one last thing. A-Rod and Manny? Enjoy the view from your respective couches. Too snide? Maybe ... but it was so fun.

Pure Negligence

I have been remiss. I have been duly informed that I haven't been keeping up as well as I should. Well, I apologize. Here's a rundown of the things, in no particular order, I seem to have missed:

The Twins kicking the crap out of the Brewers. So sweet. I'm never really aware of the Brewers until we play them, then I am reminded of my angst towards them. Also- when the stadium floods ... it's a bad omen.

Losing two to Houston. Umm ... I don't want to talk about this one.

Liriano going from 117 pitches in 5 innings to 62 pitches in 5 innings. Actually, I saw both of these games ... one that was so very very painful. But, watching Liriano get Pujols to whiff, pure poetry. So was Justin's three run jack. And, as my grandmother reminded me, wouldn't have three runs without Joe Mauer. Got it. That's why we chant "Let's go Joe" in every city. The Minnesotans are coming. Watch out.

Oakland ...

I don't really like watching games when we play in Oakland. For one thing, we lose a lot over there. And two, since it's on so late I tend to drift off. And when I wake up I have a momentary terror that it's late 2006 again. Shudder.

I really love Joe Nathan. He has stopped my anxiety two nights in a row, and I thank him.

Delmon producing two nights in a row ... maybe it's NOT 2009 and Oakland is stuck in some weird timewarp. You'd think so if you looked at Jason Giambi's mustache. Which, by the way Jason, you walk on 4 balls, not 3. Just throwing it out there.

It's hard to be too excited about back to back wins without knowing what's wrong with Denard Span. We miss you Denard, get well soon. I read that you have to go through a "battery of tests," which sounds unpleasant, but hopefully it'll solve the problem.

Friday it's off to Chicago- for this Chick anyway! Twins vs. Cubs on Sunday- I am super stoked to enjoy my overpriced seat at Wrigley. Pics to follow ...

A Shining Moment In My Day

I have spent the majority of my day dealing with banks over a car loan, so needless to say, I am cranky. Like really cranky. It's nearing the level of cranky when the White Sox beat us to get to the playoffs last year. Ok, it's not that bad.

But then I happened upon this little gem. And I feel better.

Justin- your blogging skills leave a little bit to be desired. But we love you nonetheless. And I would love to hear Joe's take on your little bromance. Because to call it anything other than that is just silly.

In other news: We play Seattle tonight. On the road. Which makes my stomach hurt. I don't understand how a team with such a small amount of skill can consistently kick the crap out of us. I mean, when Carlos Silva is supposed to be your ace, it's bad. Really, really, really bad. I can only assume it's because we have offended the baseball gods in some form. Someone washed their socks, or ate something else for dinner and now it's all gone to hell. So, boys: try to appease the gods and maybe we'll win tonight.

Oh, and Denard? Your homerun was awesome. Especially because it looked like a Plinko game at the end. That's just straight up skill.

A note to the fans. And Cassy.

I need to appologize for the absence of my beautiful, rambling, animated blog posts for the last month or so (maybe less.) My personal life has unfortunately prevented me from enjoying my boys at the Metrodome, or anywhere else for that matter. You see, I decided it was a good idea to get married waaaay back in July of last year. This was poor planning on my part given that the '09 Twins schedule had not been posted yet. As you have probably gathered from Cassy's last blog post, she was upset (ha! Understatement!) that she had to miss Brewer's weekend at the 'Dome.
Now to be fair, when I found out that my wedding was to be on this most critical of rivalry weekends, I decided to go to my fiance about it.

Me: Honey, baby, sweetie pie. Can I ask you something?
JB (fiance): Yeah, what?
Me: The Twins schedule was posted today and guess what? Our wedding takes place when the Brewers are at the Metrodome.
JB: You're not making sense. What does any of this have to do with football?

As you can see, the conversation was less than successful. Needless to say I was unable to negotiate with JB regarding the rescheduling of our wedding to a less important, Kansas City filled weekend. (Hey, nobody really wants to see Kansas City play anymore. That's right. I said it!) So, much to Cassy's chagrin, she had to forgo Friday and Saturday's games in favor of watching me and JB get married, drunk, and happy.

So on to business. You want to know what was really disappointing? The loss to Boston on Monday. How was that for my first game "back" after a months hiatus. What the crap was Liriano doing out there?? He needs some help and he needs it fast; though congrats to the offense on having a decent game despite.

Take That Brew-Crew!

After missing 2 out of the 3 Twins/Brewers games due to Kristen's nuptials, I was stoked to watch the game tonight.

Here's the thing. I don't like watching my boys get smacked by baseballs. I'm talking to you, Dave Bush. I couldn't help but notice that you came very close to hitting Joe Mauer in the face after he got a homerun and a single off of you. I have to warn you ... if you mess up Joe Mauer's face, there will be a whole legion of angry Minnesotans after you with pitchforks. Ever seen Beauty and the Beast? You know the part where the mob storms the castle? Yeah, it's like that.

Then, you hit Joe Crede. Also, after he hit a homerun. And then he came out of the game. I will call the mob myself if his hand keeps him out of future games. Not cool.

Then comes the relief. Who, coincidentally, hit Joe Mauer in the hand. While I'm impressed that Gardy won an argument with an umpire, I don't appreciate you going after Joe either.

Ok, now that I got that off of my chest, kudos to the boys for 3 homeruns. Justin, your grand slam was a thing of beauty. You made my heart smile.

Ponderings

What I imagine happened in the clubhouse Friday before game 1 vs. the Mariners. (And I'm betting this is pretty close to verbatim)

Justin: Hey, guys, so I was thinking. You know Cassy, the girl who writes the Chicks On Second blog?

Nick Punto: Oh yeah! She's freakin' hilarious.

Justin: Right, and so loyal. I was thinking about what her and the other Chicks have been through the last few weeks. Like that 9-0 loss to Detroit. And the sweep by the Orioles (as the team winces in pain.) And really, don't we owe them? She's so understanding of our facial hair and my Canadian-ness.

Joe: You know what J? I think you're right. You know what you all should do? Shave your damn faces! Sure, she may look a little stupid for blogging about it and then the SAME night we all have clean faces, but really, she does love the baby face look.

Team: Yeah! Good idea Joe.

Justin: You know what else we should do? Joe, let's hit back to back home runs two nights in a row, because chicks dig the long ball.

Joe: Ooooh ... and I'll do my patented rub down on Francisco Liriano because it makes her smile.

Liriano: Wait what?!?!?!

Joe: (Ignoring Francisco) Yeah, all right let's do it.

Denard: Guys, I can't shave all of my beard off! How am I going to look intimidating? I'm only going to clean it up a little. She's gotta understand, right?


Of course I understand Denard, it's all good. And you boys may not have won on Sunday, but ... two out of three from the Mariners is pretty damn sweet.

And Cuddy? That three-run jack on Saturday? HOT.

Helpful Facial Hair?

Did anyone notice the plethora of facial hair last night? Cuddy's beard is coming in quite nicely. Justin's is still growing in like he's 13 and thrilled that he's got stubble. Crede's ... whatever you want to call that ... is back. Kubel and Span are keeping their beards at a Grizzly Adams level. Even Perkins looked a little scraggly.

I'm wondering if this is a group effort to rally themselves. While I generally don't support facial hair ... I'm in full support of something that will pull us out of this suck we seem to find ourselves in. If facial hair is the thing to do that ... then I say let's get out the beard combs. As a favor to the team, I will swallow my general disgust of facial hair in the hopes we will kick the crap out of the Mariners tonight.

Oh... Sad.

Why did we have to get beat by the Orioles? Dear God, why?!

Congratulations

Real quick:

Congratulations to Carlos Gomez and his wife on the birth of their son.

Congratulations also to Joe Crede and his wife on the birth of their third child.


Female Twins fans ... I wouldn't drink the water at the Dome, there are babies being born everywhere!!

And welcome back Joe! Thanks for reminding me how much you were missed by smacking a homerun on your first at bat back. Let's go Twins!

Aaaaand he's back!

Ok... so the big news in Twinkie Town now is the return of Joe Mauer. Joe returns after being on the DL for what seems like forever. He's had all sorts of problems lately, what with his kidney's and back. I was watching Sports Center the other day, and they were hating on the Twins saying that they "need" Mauer to boost the offense and bolster the defense. They were also talking about how Joe should take all the time he needs to get better and become a better Joe. Personally? I think he's been reclining in Cabo for awhile. Enjoying the sun and fruity drinks with umbrellas. Maybe even a massage or two. I imagine when Gardy or other players would call to ask how his recovery was coming, he'd have to make up some wacky cover for where he was at the moment:

Cuddy/Gardy/Etc: Joe! How are you feeling?

Mauer: (spicy mexican music playing) Baaaaad guys. I went to the doctor today. They say I have arthritis in my back now. They think that it will cure itself in another two weeks or so.

Players/Coachs: Really? That's horrible. We miss you Joe.

Mauer: (still playing spicy mexican music, party sounds) Miss you too honey! See you soon; I'll bring bread on the way home!

Maybe that's just my take on it. Maybe he was really sick and injured.

Ok... enough speculation. What I do know about Joe Mauer's return tonight is the EXCITING debut of his new batting music. Y'know the song they play, then they announce the name of the batter and everyone loses their minds screaming and clapping?? Yeah, that one. Well I found out that he's got this new music that was composed just for him. It's called the "Joe Mauer Theme Song." Apparently our boy Joe usually chooses songs by rapper "T.I." and according to the article posted on http://www.twinsbaseball.com/, he "wasn't feeling the energy from [T.I.'s] new material," so one of his pals in the business said that he'd drum up something new for him this year. (Who new Joe had friends in the business?!? Maybe he can get me an audition on American Idol or some crap like that. That would be HOT! ANYWAY! I keep getting distracted.)
So this year the same guy who did last year's song wrote Joe Mauer a new song to help him feel the need to hit some homers and run some bases, and we all know how important bases and homers are in the long run. And you need badass music to do it to. Just ask Brendan Harris. He borrowed Joe Mauers music maker to make his own theme song. Wonder when they'll debut his music? Or have they already done it??? It makes me wonder why Justin doesn't have his own theme music. Something heroic, and uniquely Canadian maybe? What about Nathan? I think his should be something from a horror movie so when he comes out onto the mound the batters and other fans quake with fear. I know I would. Cuddy would probably have some type of classic rock vibe, and lil' Nicky Punto would have something perky and slightly dangerous for all those whacked out moves he pulls.
So, all you Twins fans, be excited for the return of Joe Mauer. Let's hope his playing can get us above .500 (let's face it. We need the boost at this point.) And let's hope his "Joe Mauer Theme Song" rocks too. New year, new music, new Joe???

Hmm...

Maybe Cassy's letter to Joe worked. Maybe Justin was missing his Joe; he seemed to hit superbly tonight! Maybe Joe Crede was not enough Joe for our Canadian hero. Sad day for Joe Crede.

A Letter To Joe

Dear Joe Mauer,

I am writing to inform you that your presence is requested at the Metrodome as soon as possible. While we do all miss your impressive hitting and even more impressive ability to throw runners out when they are silly enough to try and steal second, there is a more pressing matter at hand.

You may remember your former roommate, Justin. (Blond hair, really big arms? Canadian?) Well, he's not doing so well. We can only ascertain that it's because he misses you terribly. Attempts to acclimate him to another Joe have been relatively unsuccessful.

You see, he's not hitting as well as he could. He's having trouble getting runners in when they are in scoring position. You and I both know this isn't like him. Things would be better for him if he had his former roommate back to encourage him. You know he has said that you are never allowed to leave him, so it's probably best if you return from Ft. Myers as soon as possible. We hear your back is in fine shape, so it's time.

If you could return before he loses all confidence, that would be even better. Because right now he's getting surpassed by Jason Kubel (who also has very nice arms) and Joe Crede (he hasn't really shown us his arms yet, but it can only be assumed that they are quite large.)

Thank you Joe, and we are looking forward to your imminent return.

Sincerely,

The Chicks on Second Girls.

Paul Bunyan

How much am I loving Joe Crede? A lot. And I never thought I'd say that, but my heart warmed a bit more to him when I saw him scamper to third. For a large man, that's impressive. And then beating the throw to first base while still managing to untuck his shirt which was obviously too large? Spectacular. The White Sox may not have wanted you, Joe, but they were punished by the baseball gods last night when they got SLAPPED by the Blue Jays. Ha!

A few years ago I heard a baseball commentator say that we call Justin Morneau Paul Bunyan. And I thought, no we don't! After last night's jack, I think we should reconsider. Justin Morneau = Paul Bunyan? Get the man some flannel!

Last night, I became acutely aware of what a great closer we have in Joe Nathan. Not necessarily at the game, since it wasn't a save situation, (although he was awesome) but later, when I was at the gym at midnight on a Friday. (It makes me cool.) While watching ESPN, I saw Jonathan Papelbon pump his fist like he was rocking out to a Queen song. Now, I'm all for beating the Yankees, but do you have to parade around like you are all that is man and rub in the face of the guy you just struck out? That's Yankees behavior, Jonathan, and you should be ashamed. Thank you Joe Nathan, for your quiet dignity. You make me proud.

Red Sox

As a Twins fan, I was heartily disappointed given yesterday's double header with Boston. We got the CRAP kicked out of us. What the hell? I feel like tearing my Michael Cuddyer player shirt and keening out loud asking "Why God? Why?" I feel especially bad for the starting pitchers of yesterday's fiascos Scott Baker and Francisco Liriano. Poor Baker got slapped like a red-headed step child (or perhaps white-headed step child. From Chicago? Ok, no pun intended.) suffering a 10-1 loss. Liriano fared better with the 7-3 loss only because the Twins decided to get their heads out of their asses and realize that they CAN hit a ball occasionally. Congrats to Morneau on his 3rd home run of the season.

I was checking out some articles on the Twins website, y'know, interviews and shit. I love how Gardy and the reporter Petraglia make it seem like it's all ok. Like we played really well, and everybody did a good job. Some "Twinspin" gems:

"If Frankie were throwing terrible, if he were having no clue what was going on, then you would worry," Gardenhire said. "Frankie's not feeling terrible. He's just got to adjust a little bit and [issue] no free passes. His stuff's good. A couple of games, he should have at least come out with ties. He's pitched a couple. Today wasn't really a good one, but Frankie is throwing the ball fine...."

"Matt Guerrier threw two scoreless innings in relief of Liriano while Luis Ayala and Jose Mijares each tossed a perfect inning out of the bullpen."

"Our guys were swinging pretty good. They made plays. We hit a lot of at-'em balls tonight. Penny's a very good pitcher with a great arm, but I thought we put a lot of good at-bats out there."

Thanks Gardy, thanks Mike Petraglia for making it seem like we aren't SUCKING! I know it's early in the season, but it's just so damn hard to see my boys 4th in the central standings! What the crap. Whatever happened to integrity in journalism, huh?? I WANT THE TRUTH! Tell me how bad the game was! I don't want to hear about how Gardy's not worried about Liriano's pitching or how the Twins had some "good at bats!" As a dedicated fan, I AM worried about the pitching staff (though the bullpen appears to be doing well). And who cares about good at bats when there's no defense to preserve that lead?? Don't try to butter up this bread, telling me things I want to hear. I see right through your spin, just like I do when I watch FoxNews network.

Jason Kubel

Kubes rhymes with boobs!! That's why he is awesome. And hits for the cycle.

Also!

I forgot to add to my last post: I am super proud of Cassy for going to the Twins Pro Shop and coming out with a shirt that did not say "Morneau" or "33" on the back. Way to break the habit. Did you leave with other merchandise with his name on it?

Nick Blackburn's Hair

Does anyone else but Cassy and myself think that Nick Blackburn wears too much hair gel? Anyone? Ok... because I looked at some of his pictures lately, and the hair is gelled to within an inch of it's poor life! What happened to the days of long flowing baseball pitcher locks? Not like freakin Manny Ramirez's dreads, but nice curly flowing out from under the cap locks? Lil' Scotty Baker used to have them. Now he's all grown up and cut them off trying to be a big, manly pitcher. DISAPPOINTING, but at least he hasn't gelled his poor hair like Blackburn has. I will be watching the dots tonight at work. C'mon dots... let's get a win!

Time For A Spiritual Cleansing

I think it goes without saying the series with the Blue Jays was brutal. It's usually brutal, but this one was worse than most.

It was so bad, in fact, that I felt the strong desire to sit in the corner and weep while muttering the Blue Jays lineup over and over again. However, I stopped myself. How would that be productive, I thought to myself. How would that help the Twins boys get back on their feet?

It wouldn't I concluded. So ... I did the next best possible thing. Today at lunch I went to the Twins Pro Shop and purchased a new shirt. One that is free of the stains of the few weeks of baseball. One that still retains its hopeful innocence.

I'll be wearing that shirt tonight in the hopes of resetting our karma. Because our karma is all sorts of catawompus (it's a word, check dictionary.com) right now. It's time to restore some order.

It's appropriate to note that this shirt has Joe Crede's name on the back. This time last year I wouldn't be caught dead in a Crede shirt, but, like I said, it's time for a new beginning.

I have high hopes tonight. Blackburn is going to pitch a great game, mainly because he's awesome, but a little bit because he knows he doesn't have to face Jim Thome.

Go Twins.

When the hell did the Jay's start hitting home runs? Anyone??

All I Can Say Is ...

I hate the Blue Jays. That is all.

Crede and the Jays

Who was pumped about last night's 11 inning win? ME! That's who. I must say that acquiring Joe Crede was probably one of the smartest things the Twins have done. EVER. Especially since Morneau is struggling at the plate and Mauer is still crying in the clubhouse about his back. Good work Crede. Thanks for earning your keep!! Also a big highlight of the evening was the super outing by Perkins. Good job Perk!

I was also impressed that we managed to beat the Jays. Apparently we have had a losing streak to Toronto dating back to 2007 (shitty!). I am pumped that we finally snapped it. Especially given that Toronto fans are a particularly heinous brand of baseball fans, only on par with Phillies fans and super obnoxious Yankees fans. I remember seeing a spring training game against Toronto last year, and apparently, there are lots of old ass Jay's fans in Florida. I think the worst part is that they are either losing their minds, or are senile as hell because it seemed like they didn't know crap about the Jays or the Twins for that matter. Example:

Old guy: Hey, look. They're bringing in a new pitcher. Must be a new guy. I've never seen him before.
Old guy 2: Yeah. I think the girls in front of us think he's cute. (Referring to Cassy and myself and our girl Jackie.)
US: It's Pat Neshek! Woo woo... submariner!
Old guy: What the hell is he doing? It looks like he's throwing funny.
Old guy 2: I don't know.

A little later in the game:

Old guy: That Jason Kubel, he's not going to make roster this year. He played most of last year in the minors and didn't even do much there!
Old guy 2: I agree!
***note: jason kubel had a great season in left field for the twins in 2007. I also believe he had several home runs even though it was a losing season.

I rest my case. So take note: If you're going to Florida to see a Twins/Jay's game, don't let the senility get to you.

Overall Weirdness

I couldn't help but notice the plethora of odd events last night. Here's what I mean:

1. The Twins beat the Blue Jays. A happy oddity, but an oddity nonetheless. It could be time for a new streak? I'd rather beat the Jays 10 times in a row than vice versa.

2. Did anyone else notice how happy Joe Crede looks when he gets on base? It's like it doesn't happen to him all too often. It's kind of cute.

3. The fact that I just said Joe Crede was doing something cute. See, weird.

4. Delmon Young DIDN'T DROP A BALL ALL NIGHT! Whoo! Now, about the striking out thing ...

5. Justin Morneau and Joe Crede's awkward man hug at the end of the game. It's almost as if Justin is afraid to love another Joe ...

6. The Yankees almost getting a no-hitter after Nick Swisher was forced to pitch an inning. I love it.

In other news- Scott Baker is back tonight. And that's exactly what the Twins need to beat the Blue Jays twice in a row.

And my favorite quote of the night:
Dick Bremer: "And Redmond is checked at first ... for some unknown reason."

Ohh ... we love you Mike Redmond.

What the???

So ... Easter seemed like a good day to come out of my cold/fever induced stupor, especially since the Twins were playing the White Sox. But after today, I think I might still be running a temperature.

Who thought putting Cuddy at first was a good idea?? Anyone? Don't get me wrong, I love Cuddy, I do. But the man can't play first. Lesson learned.

Young has yet to earn my affection. I try to be supportive of all Twins players, but he makes me sad more than any of the others. By far. Young, when the bases are loaded at the bottom of the ninth, you are supposed to grand slam it. Just so you know.

Tomorrow against the Blue Jays will be better. How do I know? Jackie and I exchanged our tickets so we aren't going tomorrow. I'm betting the Twins will have a blow out.

Season Ticket Sweetness

Last night was a good night for our first game as season ticket holders, Brandon Morrow made sure of that! I almost feel bad that people in our section were mocking him. Almost. For future reference, Morrow takes fantasy baseball standings very seriously. Just tell him you undrafted him from your team and he'll overthrow his catcher. Thanks to the guys next to us for discovering something so useful.

Some other important things we learned last night:

Don't leave early because Casilla likes to come through in the clutch. It doesn't matter if he couldn't hit the ball for anything the last two nights. (Actually, the people sitting in front of us learned that, we stick around until the very bitter end.)

Joe Crede is NOT a spy for the White Sox. Jackie accused him, to which he responded by getting a pretty nice double. And then did a little flip to catch a ball. Not very spy-like. Unless he's trying to throw us off the trail ...

Justin Morneau cannot remember how to hit. I'm not sure what's going on there, but I feel it has something to do with the fact that I've been paying way more attention to Denard Span lately. He just needs some extra attention tonight so he can get his batting average above zero. Because Joe Crede is showing him how it's done. And that can't be good for his Canadian self esteem.

If Gomez can coax out a walk ... anything can happen.

Kristen's Take on Mikey's Revenge

Hello all!! Welcome to the fabulous 2009 season of Minnesota Twins baseball, and hopefully a winning season since last year was kind of a bust, what with all the "sudden death" playoff baseball and all. As a fan in Wisconsin, I must say that I have not enjoyed the constant stream of people walking in to my place of business and heckleing the shit outta me because I am a Twins fan. My take on it all: GO TO HELL! I love the Twins and I have to say, they look a lot better than my other option, the Brewers.
Anyway, as someone who did not attend opening day at the dome this year (you bastards!) I would just like to say that gameday on twinsbaseball.com does a really great job of keeping you up to date with all that is going on in the game. I would like to say awesome job to Mike Redmond for taking it like a man, and showing those Seattle bastards just how it's done! Kudos to you Redmond. And to all those naysayers on the twins message boards: kiss Redmond's grits! While Joe Mauer is crying about his kidneys or his quad injury or whatever it might be this week, Redmond comes to play and if you hit him, he will suck it up and come out swinging. Or something.... I'm just sayin...
I would also like to applaud Michael Cuddyer who came off a rough 2008 to have a great spring season and a decent opener. Until Justin Morneau decided that double plays were right up his alley (bottom of the 5th I think). That was the last I "saw" of the game given that the computer at work is ancient and frequently freezes up, not to mention I was busy fielding comments from horribly stupid individuals last night, which really really made my evening. By the time I got back to the computer and got it working again, the little dots on game day were telling me that the Twins had lost. It was an unfortunate loss, but there's always tonight and tomorrow and Thursday.
So, welcome to the new season. I hope we have a good one this year and to those who are saying it's going to be a rough 2009: AT LEAST WE'RE NOT THE BREWERS!!!

Mikey's Revenge

Even if everyone is already bashing the Twins for one loss, and saying we've blown the season, I enjoyed our last Home Opener in the Dome. It was nice to see the tribute to Carl Pohlad, although I'm sure if he were alive today he would have said to hurry it up and play ball. But that's just me.

I think my favorite moment came in the fifth inning, right after Mike Redmond got pegged and looked a little woozy from way up in the Family Zone. I think the conversation went something like this:

Jackie: It's a good thing this half of the inning is over, so Mikey can get a rest.
Me: Doesn't he have to bat next though?
Jackie: Dammit! He should seek revenge!


And he did. And it was pretty sweet until Justin decided a double play was his best option. He'll learn. I hope Mike Redmond decides to walk around naked in the clubhouse tomorrow. Then I hope he decides to climb up onto the table where Justin is playing a game of cribbage and then kick the cards out of his hand. That would teach him.

Other highlights:

Seeing Joe Crede get a hit in a Twins uniform. Three spring training games and do you think we saw that? Nope. Congratulations, Joe.

Denard Span. 1. Because he walked twice, and laid down a pretty sweet bunt. 2. The fact that he slid butt first into the bullpen bench. Yep, butt first. That's impressive. He missed the ball but got some standing ovations. There really needs to be a Denard Span fanclub.

The fact that we get to go to another game already tomorrow.

Some not so much highlights:

Ken Griffey Jr.

The hour and a half stuck in traffic. Only in MN do they think it's a good idea to merge 5 lanes into one.

Opening Day!!

Opening Day seems like a good time to start a blog to me.

I'm already enjoying the weather much more than last year when Kristen (who will be on here often!) and I drove two hours through a blizzard just so we could be the first ones to get a hat. (We were fourth.)

As disappointing as it is to be Scott Baker-less today, Liriano should be worth watching. I hope so anyway.

Since we don't have our season tickets for today's game, we'll be rockin out up in the Family Zone. I've never actually sat up there, but I imagine there is a higher ratio of people selling cotton candy.

T-6 hours until first pitch.